The Balance of Selfishness

Self·ish

(ˈselfiSH) adjective

(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure. When you have a huge amount of interest invested in yourself.

When we hear the word selfish, we automatically think of it’s negative definitions and connotations. We align the word with the type of people we don’t want to be associated with or have any part in our lives. We think to be selfish is to never think, care, or do for anyone or thing outside of yourself. Therefore, we expect people to always be selfless, meaning to put everything and everyone before one’s self. Now this can be broken into many angles such as the expected selflessness of a mother, black woman, and even a spouse, but I want to simply focus on the individual.

We often celebrate and support those who constantly put others before themselves. I personally think it’s a great quality to have. It shows a sense of genuineness and loyalty, someone willing to constantly put the problems and concerns of others before their own. But let’s be honest, is this healthy that we allow this? Is it fair to that individual that we even expect this from them?

Look at what we expect out of our friendships and relationships, this idea of “ride or die” has become a solid expectation. We want people to be everything WE expect when it comes to a friend, significant other, etc. We constantly expect sacrifices and a showing level of consistent commitment. A lot of times we want the level of energy we put out to be matched. Some people even expect more energy than their even putting out! (but that’s another conversation) However, do we not consider that individuals can have different standards and levels of expectations when it comes to friendships and relationships. This is why communication is so important and necessary in every type of relationship.

What I’m saying is, when we’re 100% selfless we expect that in return when in reality being mostly selfless isn’t a healthy thing and isn’t something we should expect and set as a expectation from others. We should encourage people we care about to be selfish when it comes to self-growth, self-care, and just time to focus on your own personal needs. Knowing when to be selfish and when to be selfless is key! It’s about balance.

The thing is we can’t always expect others to give this to us. So we have to know for ourselves when to put more energy into self!

But Also...

A lot of times the excuse of “I’m working on myself” is used to justify why we haven’t been consistent or meeting responsibilities in our different types of relationships. In reality, working on self is not a one time stage in life! Self-growth is an ongoing process we should constantly be putting time into...it never ends. Therefore, the problem is we don’t know how to balance working on self, and also being there for others.

DISCLAIMER***This does not not include individuals who are lazy and choose to be 100% selfish to avoid other responsibilities and obligations.

This is directed to people who feel you can’t have relationships and friendships while working on ourselves. It’s a matter of separating your energy and your time, the best way that works for you at the time. And for this to really be successful, we have to support this when people in our lives work towards this direction, rather than condemning them for not being selfless when it comes to what WE WANT from them.

If i'm not taking time to acknowledge and put energy into what I need for my growth and happiness, how helpful can I really be in my relationships, what can I really contribute?

When people bring positive energy to someone trying to balance selfishness with selflessness at the end of the day you have healthier individuals and healthier relationships.

BASICALLY...make time for yourself, support others when they put time into themselves, you can be there for others and be there for yourself and stop expecting people to be selfless all the time. In conclusion, I hope this helps us create healthier friendships, relationships, and habits individually.

Sincerely,

Mona